In three years of doing this blog to show my research this will most likely be the most (for lack of a better word) ‘bloggy’ piece I’ve written. To give this a bit of context, I had a conversation with my lecturer and it became like something of a therapy session whereby I let go of a lot of my built up stress and anxiety and told him that I felt lost and aimless in life. He told me two important thing during this, firstly that to be lost is still a path, and secondly, if I put this in a blog post I can be marked on it, so thats what I’m doing. So to put it in basic terms, right now my views on film making are basically this, I love it, I really do love making films and being on set and seeing it all come together. However I have found that during my university experience I learned that doing this for work has taken some joy from this for me and as such, I’d very much like to be a film maker, however, I want to do it as a hobby (albeit a very expensive hobby) but to do this as a job is no longer my goal and I don’t feel it will bring me happiness in the same way that it did when I was making films for fun and essentially for me. That leaves me with the question of well if not filmmaking, then what? And of course this is not an easy question to answer, I am struck by this question on the daily, I do feel lost a lot in life, but like most things in my life Lord of the rings helps me, I’m constantly brought back to the famous quote of “not all that wander are lost” I see this in myself, I am wandering in life (or more accurately feel I will be after university, but actually that’s okay, I’m 20 years old and will still be (by a day) when I graduate, not many people have their life in order at 20, there’s no shame in me being the same. Now that doesn’t take the anxiety and pain away but it does help me see reason and to be honest I feel often that I am wasting my potential, however, the main thing that will lead to me wasting my potential is me sitting feeling sorry for myself and worrying about wasting it instead of going out and making something of myself, even if that means being a wanderer.
So then, if I’m doing this for professional practise and not just to let people know how I am what have I done or what will I do to further a career out of this? Well first a probably most importantly, I am seeing a councillor, there’s no denying I have mental health issues, I don’t use them as an excuse and I refuse for them to be a crutch, but they do exist, so the best thing I can and have done to get myself out of the rut of negative thought and no hope thinking around my life and career is receive professional help around these issues, I feel I am able to talk about this issue in the manner that I am because of that help I have received, as if I had written this a few weeks or months ago it would tell a very different, much bleaker story, but one that I realise would only be true if I let it be. It is very important to me that at this point I acknowledge that this definitely wasn’t a solo effort and I needed the incredible support I received from around me from lecturers and my councillor. But this still raised the question of what next?
So right now my “what next” looks like this, graduate, take a year out of education and away from the careerist stress, focus on me and getting better and laying foundations for a long term life, work my 9-5 cex job and when I feel ready and somewhat stable, revisit this idea of what I am meant to do in life and what my path might look like, but in the meantime I am content to wander but I have to be wary of getting stuck in my Cex job and that becoming my career because I personally feel I am meant for so much more than that job can ever give me.
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